A Letter

A Letter to my Mother:


Dear Mom,

It is so hard to believe that it has almost been a year since you left. There is not a day that has gone by that you are not a constant on my mind. There have been a lot of "firsts without you." I'm not sure why Mothers Day has been the hardest? It was so weird to go to the store, and not get you a card. I had made a lot of plans for things to do today. I was going to do something special with Sidney, and make that a tradition....We were all going to go out to eat. I was going to dress up Sidney and bring flowers to your grave, but I did not manage to do any of that. I just couldn't! I know in my twenty nine years, we have had some rough times....fights, arguments...I know that I could have been a better daughter, but I think there were times you could have been a better mother. I know with in yourself you had very hard personal struggles, lots of problems with your own parents. There were times that your depression consumed you so much, you could not see anything else. I always thought that somehow, someday that I could take that away for you. That one day you would just wake up and you could be happy! We could go and do things that mothers and daughters do! I want to tell you that I'm sorry for not understanding your depression better, I should have been more sensitive...a little kinder, reached out more. I know that is why you kept things from me...and that is why I sometimes kept things from you. I spent my time listening to your problems, but was scared to tell you mine, in fear it would make things harder on you. When I look back on mine childhood......it was good though? You were always there. Your needs were always after mine, you told me you loved me as often as the wind blew, always supported me and said that you were proud! Your greatest fear was that our relationship would turn into the one you had with your mother....and I would tell you that it would never happen. That's because despite it all...we LOVED each other. You would never intionally hurt me...nor would I you. Despite all our disagreements..we always moved on...we never would go periods with out talking. I never understood how your mother could go years with out talking to you? I could never do that to my daughter.

Sidney has grown soooo much!!! She is all over the place, telling me no, and pointing that finger. I'm sure this amuses you! That is one of the hardest parts of all of this....you not being able to see my daughter! It was nice to finally be able to see you smile...when looking at her! Your excitement to come to see her, or buy her a gift! I wish I would have had you come over more in that first year of her life, but you know how antisocial, and I can do it all...I can be!!! I'm working hard to try to change that part of me....because I now see that it hurts me too. I did not intend this to be a sad letter, I wanted you to know that Sidney and I are OK...we are happy. I wanted you to know that I love you and think of you everyday. I miss having someone love me no matter what, and tell me their proud of me, and I'm right! Thru my faults as a daughter, I will strive so hard to not make those mistakes thru being a mother. I hope in heaven that you have found the peace, that I so wish you could have had here with me!
You were a good Mother to me. Happy Mothers Day!

Your daughter,

Tracy